Ex-Husband's Regret

The warm light on my faces wakes me up. At first I’m confused as to how I ended up in my room, but then the heavy hand around my waist brings the memories of what happened back.

I start to internally panic so much so that I’m afraid I’ll wake Ethan up. I didn’t want him up now. Not when I was having a nervous breakdown. Not while my head was a mess. As slowly as I can, I get up and leave the bed.

He turns and murmurs something in his sleep, but he doesn’t wake up. I heave a sigh of relief even as I put some clothes on and pick up my phone from the dresser.

Tip toing to the door, I wince a little when I open it and it creeks. I look back, my heart in my mouth. I’m immediately thankful when I see Ethan still in bed.

The sheets were down to his waist, exposing his very well defined abs and an arm was thrown over his face. Swallowing loudly, I leave the room.

I walk down my stairs feeling like I was doing the walk of shame even though I was in my own. house. The soreness between my legs, a testament of how Ethan took his job at remedying my pain seriously.

The moment I get the kitchen I let loose. All the panic and anxiety I tried stifling in my room rushes through me like an Avalanche.

“Call down, people have S** all the time” I try telling myself but instead of calming down it only increases the pace of my wildly beating heart.

I start pacing the tiled floors. Still unable to believe that I had S** with another man. I always thought that the only man who would ever touch me or see me n*ked is Rowan Here we are though, not only did I let Ethan k*ss me, but I also allowed him into my bed.

Tired of pacing, I sit on the kitchen stool. My feet tapping nervously on the floor. What am 1 supposed to do now? How am I supposed to act? I didn’t know what the protocol after these type of things happened is.

Am I supposed to make him breakfast? Would he even want breakfast? Is it something that will happen again or is it a one nightstand? 

I place a hand on my beating heart. I felt like my chest was going to explode. I’ve never done something like this before. Even if I hadn’t been in love with Rowan, I always believed that I would currently not strong.

“You don’t have to love someone to have S** with them…you just have to be attracted to them” A voice whispers.

I want to argue with it but my phone vibrating stops me. I unlock it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

I read the simple message, wondering who could have sent it. That is until I lift my eyes and see

it’s from Rowan. I’m shocked and then angry.

He has no right at all to send me that stupid message. Not when he has never wished me a happy birthday during our marriage and especially not after the disgusting things he said to me.

I stand up and go back to pacing. I mean why now? Why now when we are divorced? Why today of all day? A few hours after I have slept with another man.

I don’t think it’s fair to compare two men S**ually, but Ethan thoroughly F***ed me. Simple and clear. There was passion and heat, something that lacked with Rowan. Ethan took me in positions

I didn’t even know were possible. I loved that but I also hated it because it proved how stale my

S** life with Rowan was.

The only time Rowan ever took me like that was the first time we had S** and it was only because he thought he was sleeping with Emma, the love of his F***ing life.

I always wanted it to be like that between us. Always thought that something was missing. It wasn’t bad, but I just wanted more.

Now after my night with Ethan I realize what has been missing between Rowan and I was the passion. I also realize that it had been missing because I wasn’t who he had wanted.

I push the pain that tries to resurface away. I didn’t want to think that Rowan was holding back even when we were having S** simply because he’d wanted another woman instead.

I go back to my phone. Just to distract myself from the turmoil of what was happening inside me.

I find more text wishing me a happy birthday. They were from Travis, Letty, mother and even

Gabe I ignore the rest and make a mental note to reply to Letty’s later.

I just didn’t understand. Why now? What did they wish to gain from it?

“Your forgiveness?” the same voice whispers.

Forgiveness. Such a simple word yet so complicated.

How can I give them that when they didn’t give it to me? How can I forgive them when they broke me? How am I supposed to let it all go when they didn’t let me live in peace for what happened?

Ethan was right. Both Rowan and I were drunk but I’m the only one who got punished. The only one who got blamed was me. I was the one that was called names, the one that was looked down on. The only one who got bullied. 

I am the only one that got the emotional and verbal abuses. I took all of it. I took the blame even though I shouldn’t have because I loved Rowan.

The more I thought about it, the more I got angry. I can feel the angry tears trying to fall and this time I don’t want to push them back.

I’m so tired. So F***ing tired of being the bigger person. I lost just as much as Rowan did because of that night.

No one wanted to see how the guilt broke. No one wanted to see how I was breaking or how I struggled. It was always about Rowan and Emma.

It was always about him. How come I had to break just to keep us working? How come I had to break for them to feel good about themselves? They broke me and yet no one wants to acknowledge that. No one wants to acknowledge my pain.

I feel a dam explode inside me. All the pain that I have been holding back. All the pain I’ve been pushing down. I can’t contain it anymore. It all comes rushing to the surface as my world unravels.

The guttural scream that leaves my mouth is animalistic even to my own ears. It reverberates off the walls, echoing my torment. I lash out, my fist colliding with any fragile object around me

The sound of shattering glass and splintering wood fills the air. Mirroring the chaos within my soul. My fragile heart was breaking all over again. The pain swallowing me. Destroying me from the inside out.

With each passing moment, the anguish that had been buried deep continues to surface up. Clawing its way out from deep inside me.

I hate them. I hate Rowan for what he put me through. 

“Ava” I tum at his voice. 

Ethan stands there shirtless. He looks at me in shock. The kitchen was destroyed, including the barstools.

Seeing him there, I fall down on my knees in surrender, not caring if I hurt myself on the shattered glass. What’s physical pain compared to an emotional one?

“I hate him. I gave him my all. He took and took and I continued to let him. He left me with nothing Ethan. I’m empty, so dark and cold. How do I live like that? How do I let go. I’m so tired of fighting, all these weights I’m carrying are getting heavy” I cry.All content © N/.ôvel/Dr/ama.Org.

Why didn’t I see that I was trying to hold on to something that wasn’t supposed to stand? That I  was living in a waste land that they banished me to?

I feel his hands around me. “Let it all go, let the pain go, Ava. It’s the only way” he says and I do exactly that.

My nails dig into his flesh as I cry my heart out and I transfer all that pain to him. He doesn’t complain. He doesn’t say a word. He doesn’t wince.

He continues to hold me as the remnants of my past, my unhealed scars, lay scattered on the floor. A physical manifestation of the emotional turmoil that had finally consumed me.

My inner demons tear me apart as I breakdown and all the pain I have endured finally erupts.

I finally sink against him. Completely and utterly drained. He gently picks me up bridal style and leads me up the stairs. My eyes were beginning to close as I feel a certain peace settle deep inside me.

Even if God had deemed me guilty of my past sins, I think I’ve already paid enough for those mistakes. It was time to leave the past where it belonged. It was time to heal.

I was done hiding. It was time to come out of the shadows and live my life.